Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
