I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
