I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
