just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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