At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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