I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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