hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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