I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
