im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
