Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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