her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize