Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
