I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
