I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Randomize
