She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
