it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
