if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
