Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
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