i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
All the doctor said was why
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
