just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I want her autograph on my taint
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
