i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
my poor anus
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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