She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
