My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize