she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
