Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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