I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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