You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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