Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
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