You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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