God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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