Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
