And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
