Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
