I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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