my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Randomize
