I bet he comes in French.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Sorry my hands just texted you
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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