sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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