I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
