Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
