Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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