There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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