So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
