Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
