I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
