I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
