All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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