Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
