Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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