It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize