iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
My feet surprised me
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