Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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