She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
