I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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