We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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