OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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