Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
