I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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