I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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