running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
