just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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