Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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